Thanksgiving

Home Sweet Home



















It's just silly sentimentality. But I can't remember ever being happier to see home again.

Thank God.

Thanks to God for such a great many things...

Stroke II: brain stem damage

This little bit of brain tissue is the focus of the problem. Apparently, small pieces of plaque material are being carried through my blood circulation through my heart and deep into the tissues of my brain, where they become lodged and block the vessels of the brain from receiving vital oxygen through the bloodstream. The oxygen-starved cells in that region of the brain quickly die, and the functions they once governed in my body suddenly lapse into uncontrolled chaos.

The brain stem controls operations such as motor locomotion and sensory awareness. In particular, my most recent stroke caused damage to brain centers that control muscles, sleeping, tactile awareness, and other senses to some degree. I find my body somewhat desensitized now as far as sensing what is touching me, and I might hurt myself without any sensation of pain. This also has some intriguing benefits, I have found. For example, the hospital has found it expedient to turn me into a human pincushion during my short stay, but I find most of my body to be insensate to the needle pricks. I can feel some pressure, but sense no pain. How convenient, that they can sink needles deep into my body, and I feel so little discomfort. (I suspect it spoils the desired effect somewhat for some of them, but I don't really mind spoiling their fun.)

Some other brain stem functions include regulation of things like heartbeat and breathing. Thank heaven, these things seem to be functioning without any compromise, else I suspect I would be suddenly and most decidedly dead.

Sooner or later, this seems to be the reality that faces me. In the mean time, I will do my best to put my time to good use.

Next instalment:  Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Rehab progress 26

I am leaving the rehab center at Utah Valley today. With no misgivings about the promise of the future.

I am fairly certain to encounter a fatal stroke in the near future. I just can't tell when it will strike. Maybe today, tomorrow, next week, next month. Certainly likely within the next year. Probably inevitable within the next five.

The open question facing me now is, what shall I do with this time? In a sense, I have been granted a gift denied to most. I know with some certainty that the future is short, and now I have a chance to prepare.

I am resolved to abide by the aphorism, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". It might be a corny way to express this idea, but what I feel is that I need to put my affairs in order now. Nevertheless, I see no need to dig a grave and sit in it prematurely. I am going to use my remaining time for good purpose.

Starting first thing, that means continuing rehab workouts on a regular basis. Whatever it is worth, I will continue to invest time and effort into regaining what has been lost or compromised by stroke.

Today will be day one of the new project.

Rehab progress 25

On Sunday, I decided to do something entirely different. Actually, my dad decided for me, since I was mostly delirious. Dad and Ricky coaxed me into the car, nonetheless. Though I was wildly opposed to hospitals, they carried me to Mountaiview in Payson.

I had another fairly dramatic stroke, a second attack.

For a time, as artery after artery blocked off from circulation, my blood pressure rose and soared to levels I never knew a human could even produce, let alone sustain. Blood pressure rose as the heart muscle continued to attempt to supply blood to the blocked and dying brain cells.

The medical team saved my life. They were finally able to control the runaway blood pressure. But at what terrible cost. New brain damage, even now some of the consequences reveal themselves.

Thank God the thinking part of my mind was mostly spared from the carnage. I can still think.

But tonight I sit at a workstation in the rehab center at Utah Valley hospital.

Starting all over again.

Rehab progress 24

I have developed some troubling problems over the past week. In addition to nagging aches and various pains, I have new balance and equilibrium problem when attempting to walk independently, and I have developed a low-grade but irritating headache that waxes and wanes in severity, but never seems to disappear completely. The headache isn't bad, except for occasional spikes of throbbing pain, but it persists and adds to the distracting noise.

On a more positive note, my physical endurance is building back up, slowly but surely. I can easily clock more than a mile on the treadmill. I would have no problem passing the fire department stress test that requires covering a three mile course in 45 minutes, carrying a 45-pound burden.

All things considered, I am encountering and dealing with the daily challenge. Just a bit more progress, and considering my own limitations, I am optimistic that recovery is a reachable goal, if I just keep working at it.

Rehab progress 23

I had an entirely disheartening time of it over the last few days. I have felt ill nearly all the time -- not sick enough to need medical assistance, but enough to make me feel miserable almost all the time. Without some handy painkiller drugs, I would be almost completely nonfunctional. Fortunate for me that tylenol serves well enough.

The driving license folks for the State of Utah officially -- and officiously -- added to my personal misery. They required me to take yet another driving test -- which I passed, quite easily, at least in my opinion. Problem was, the examiner lady had apparently determined before she even saw my face that she was going to flunk me. So she falsified her test results, then reported to her boss that I drove in some vaguely unsafe manner. All that really happened was that she was in a really sour mood, because of missing her breakfast, or PMS, or some unknown combination of personal problems that had nothing to do with me. Anyway, for some undetermined reason, she decided that I was worthy of her unfavorable judgement. I got the brunt of her wholly unjustified displeasure, with the result being that she and her superior very generously agreed to compromise and issue me a restricted license. At least, they acted like it was a magnanimous gesture.

The amusing thing about the whole episode was that they were both so ignorant about a place they both live, they acted like it was a generous concession to restrict me from driving on any road with a speed limit of over fifty miles per hour. I protested that I would basically be in violation if I travelled anywhere beyond my own driveway, since the neighborhood is rural, and the only access to the rest of the world is to travel along US Highway 89. It was ludicrous, to have such ignorant self-righteous folks presuming to lecture me about "public safety". I wondered if they had ever been outside of Ephraim -- a one-horse town, with a fairly skewed perspective on the realities of the world. Responding to my arguing, they decided to change the restriction to only driving within fifteen miles of my home, supposedly somehow serving the interest of "public safety". I told them that was just as ridiculous, but they both insisted, I must be restricted somehow. I finally said go ahead and issue whatever license restrictions made them feel like they were doing something meaningful, but had every intention to ignore it at my good pleasure, relying on the same measure of judgement that has served me and "public safety" for many decades and more than a million miles of safe driving experience. The supervisor said I needed a doctor's order to get the restriction removed, but I scoffed at that, and responded that my doctor will likely do whatever I ask him, within limits of reason, and unlike those I was arguing with. Ironically, he acted like the assertion set him back, as though I could never hope to have just as much good-ol'boy influence as needed to easily circumvent their misguided intentions. At least a doctor can make a reasonable objective evaluation of reaction speed capacity, with some hope for clinical accuracy and reasonable judgement. The woman who flunked me made some comments about my supposedly diminished capacity to react, but she did nothing to test such qualities in any objective manner, and was not even remotely qualified to make such a judgement. If they would restrict their own actions to jobs they are qualified for, it would be appropriate. Medical standards are needed for regulation of driving licensing, but cannot be properly imposed by employees of the driving license division, and certainly not by a grumpy woman with no background in the metrics required to make objective evaluation of a medical condition.

The whole episode was a laughable demonstration of typical public employees wagging the dog, too overly impressed with their own self-importance to listen to reason from any mere person. Their stated job is guarding "public safety" which they fulfil by imposing meaningless restrictions with absolutely no objective basis, meanwhile doing virtually nothing that serves the public interest whatsoever. I hold the suspicion that the backslapping good ol' boys, any of their personal friends, get a wink and a pass, even if they show up so drunk they can barely stand. Any teenage driver giving the same test performance would have been passed without remark. Even the old man who could barely stand was tested before I was, and apparently was passed without comment.

Anyway, the issue that offended me was that the woman who supposedly evaluated my driving skills. I suppose she entered false test results in the record. That a person in public trust is able to so falsify government records because of her having a personal bad-hair day is an affront to me. That she did so with overinflated egotistical feelings about her own self-righteousness I have little doubt. She made some interesting remarks to me about her lengthy standing in the driving license division, as if she could impress me with such credentials. I think she needs remove herself from any such position of responsibility in the future. She apparently cannot handle such routine duties without being unduly influenced by totally unrelated subjective factors. Nevertheless, I feel certain that I will continue to encounter such ridiculous problems, probably a return match with this same cadre of public employees.

I have had similar experiences with driving license division encounters, sufficient to remove all confidence in their competence, or any expectation that public employees might feel some personal obligation to perform their jobs in a professional manner. On the occasion of renewing my driving license some years ago, I filled out the request form properly, but the incompetent person who transcribed the record misspelled my last name. I did not notice this until some time later, then reported it to one of the clerks at the drivers license bureau. His reaction was that I had obviously misspelled my own last name, and that they could reissue the corrected license, but I would have to pay the fee for license renewal. Well, to make a long story short, it turns out that a facsimile copy of the application was saved on file. On cursory examination, it was obvious that my form was clearly printed, correctly spelled, and that someone who was inept or careless had transcribed it improperly. The fault was theirs, but I got no offer of apology from the drivers license clerk for their mistake, or for the blustery bullying demeanor with which he originally accused me of making the mistake, and misspelling my own name. Not even any sign of being embarrassment about such obviously incompetent and unprofessional conduct. He probably was too full of his own self to recognize such a sloppy job. I suppose such mistakes are routine, for these guys. They are apparently accountable to no one.





In addition to the latest driving license fiasco, I was recently denied a bank loan for a new car by someone who read on my credit report that I owed child support. Never mind that the record showed a judgement against someone from the court in Weber County, in 2003, neither of which were appropriate to my circumstances. It was easy to see that the information was completely wrong. The woman who processed my loan application apparently prefered to believe the erroneous credit report, over my assurance that I owed nothing. She insisted that I must obtain a note from the Utah Office of Recovery Services, exonerating my deadbeat reputation before they would release the funds. I told her the judgement was not mine, but my protests fell on deaf ears. She would not accept my word.

I started doing business with the credit union more than thirty years ago. Probably before that particular woman who rejected my loan application was out of diapers. She had no way of knowing that nothing could offend me in a worse way than to raise the child support issue to cast a shadow of doubt on my personal integrity. I wrote a derogatory note to the credit union to that effect, and will take my business elsewhere in the future.

If you travel anywhere around Utah Valley, you will see the smiling faces shining down from this credit union's advertisments. They have grown at the same frantic pace as everything else in the locale. Apparently they have also grown out of affording to trust their customers. I suppose honesty is a lost virtue in the world of financial affairs. In any case, it seems sadly absent in these circustances. I am sure that the credit union now has such a customer base that they needn't concern themselves about losing me as a customer. But I have done all kinds of business with them in the past, many transactions passing simply with my word of honor and promise to pay my debts. Passing sad, that we can do business on such a basis no longer.

One more loss of faith in my reliance on good character. It apparently doesn't count for much, in today's world, if it ever did.

In addition to overcoming my own disability, I also face such challenges every day. Betrayed by my own body, I also stand falsely accused of being suspect in my observance of moral obligation, not taken at my honest word, and no longer competent to drive my own automobile -- so judged by people that are so apparently sadly lacking in moral integrity themselves.

Be Prepared

This is the boy scout's motto.

Be mentally prepared by having disciplined yourself to be obedient to every order, and also by having thought out beforehand any accident or situation that might occur, so that you know the right thing to do at the right moment, and are willing to do it.

Be physically prepared by making yourself strong and active, able to do the right thing at the right moment, without hesitating.

Be morally prepared by learning correct principles, and not deviating.

Follow the straight and narrow course, laid out according to long-standing tradition that is based on correct principles. This leverages our future off from the wisdom of those that have gone before. It prepares us for that which is to come.

Not that this kind of preparation necessarily enables us to anticipate the future. We cannot know what lies ahead with any great certainty. And the future holds many things in store that must come unforeseen.

What preparation does is gift us with the increased ability to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves to us along the way. It may not fit with the plan we have crafted for the future, but we will be made more ready to accommodate that opportunity and make use of it, as it comes before us. This is the purpose for being prepared. It helps us maintain balance under difficult and challenging situations.

Be prepared.

Maxwell: Meeting the Challenges

In discussion about issues raised in the recent election, and always making for heated debate in the Bloggernacle, I submit the following excerpts from Elder Maxwell. Neal A. Maxwell was a President of the First Quorum of the Seventy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when this devotional address was given at Brigham Young University on 10 October 1978.

The declarations are about principles, not people, and causes, not candidates. On occasions, at other levels in the Church, a few have not been so discreet, so wise, or so inspired.

But make no mistake about it, brothers and sisters; in the months and years ahead, events will require of each member that he or she decide whether or not he or she will follow the First Presidency. Members will find it more difficult to halt longer between two opinions...

This is a hard doctrine, but it is a particularly vital doctrine in a society which is becoming more wicked. In short, brothers and sisters, not being ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ includes not being ashamed of the prophets of Jesus Christ.

I have read some convincing arguments in the Bloggernacle for advocating certain actions. I find it difficult to offer anything reasonable to refute them. But the church spoke out in support of these measures. Therefore, they have my backing, without any further question or pause, without any further doubts, no further questions needed.

I made a covenant to follow the counsel of inspired leaders many years ago. In spite of so many other doubts and questions I cannot answer, in a world fraught with so many uncertainties, I do not question that commitment.

It was the right thing to do.

Snow

We are getting our first major snowstorm of the winter in Sanpete County. I expect it will warm up intermittently, and melt off before too long, but the long cold winter has unmistakenly begun.

The land takes on a different character, covered with a blanket of new snow. It often reminds me of the kind of renewal we get from repentance. We are cleansed and become new again, in a process that invigorates and enlivens the soul. We can start from this point with a clean record, every thing old and dirty is gone. Covered over by the fresh clean blanket of new snow.

October 2008 General Conference: Come to Zion

Elder D. Todd Christofferson, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
extended an invitation to the Saints to "Come to Zion".

The building up of Zion is a cause that has interested the people of God in every age; it is a theme upon which prophets, priests and kings have dwelt with peculiar delight; they have looked forward with joyful anticipation to the day in which we live; and fired with heavenly and joyful anticipations they have sung and written and prophesied of this our day; but they died without the sight; we are the favored people that God has made choice of to bring about the Latter-day glory.  (Joseph Smith)

Zion is both a place and a people, teaches Elder Christofferson.

The Lord called Enoch's people Zion "because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them" (Moses 7:18). Elsewhere He said, "For this is Zion—the pure in heart" (Doctrine and Covenants 97:21).

Babylon is the antitheses of Zion.

It is with this backdrop that the Lord called for a gathering of members of His Church, commencing an effort that continues in full vigor today.

Zion uplifts the character, attributes, and faithfulness of her citizens. If we would establish Zion in our homes, branches, wards, and stakes, we must rise to this standard:

(1) unified in one heart and one mind.
(2) a holy people.
(3) care for the poor and needy with such effectiveness that we eliminate poverty among us

We cannot wait until Zion comes for these things to happen. Zion will come only as they happen.

We should ask ourselves if we have overcome jarrings, contentions, envyings, and strifes (see Doctrine and Covenants 101:6). Are we united? I think not.

Forgiveness of one another is essential to this unity.

We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives and follow those He has commissioned to lead us.

Much of the work to be done in establishing Zion consists in our individual efforts to become pure in heart. "Zion cannot be built up unless it is by the principles of the law of the celestial kingdom,” said the Lord, “otherwise I cannot receive her unto myself" (Doctrine and Covenants 105:5). The law of the celestial kingdom is the gospel law and covenants, which include our constant remembrance of the Savior and our pledge of obedience, sacrifice, consecration, and fidelity. Latter-day Saints who have been endowed in the temple recognize these points of the law.

To come to Zion, it is not enough for you or me to be somewhat less wicked than others. We are to become not only good but holy men and women.

...Let us once and for all establish our residence in Zion and give up the summer cottage in Babylon.

We might ask ourselves, living as many of us do in societies that worship possessions and pleasures, whether we are remaining aloof from covetousness and the lust to acquire more and more of this world's goods. Materialism is just one more manifestation of the idolatry and pride that characterize Babylon. Perhaps we can learn to be content with what is sufficient for our needs.

Let us seek to build up Zion through unity, godliness, and charity, preparing for that great day when Zion, the New Jerusalem, will arise.

We cannot wait until Zion comes for these things to happen. Zion will come only as they happen.

As we are true to our covenants, we become a Zion people, and the places we gather become Zion-like.