I am leaving the rehab center at Utah Valley today. With no misgivings about the promise of the future.I am fairly certain to encounter a fatal stroke in the near future. I just can't tell when it will strike. Maybe today, tomorrow, next week, next month. Certainly likely within the next year. Probably inevitable within the next five.
The open question facing me now is, what shall I do with this time? In a sense, I have been granted a gift denied to most. I know with some certainty that the future is short, and now I have a chance to prepare.
I am resolved to abide by the aphorism, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". It might be a corny way to express this idea, but what I feel is that I need to put my affairs in order now. Nevertheless, I see no need to dig a grave and sit in it prematurely. I am going to use my remaining time for good purpose.
Starting first thing, that means continuing rehab workouts on a regular basis. Whatever it is worth, I will continue to invest time and effort into regaining what has been lost or compromised by stroke.
Today will be day one of the new project.
4 comments:
Ah, Jim. These posts are hard for me to read. I am very nearly overcome with emotion... I probably shouldn't read these at work - they turn me into a basketcase... But as I don't have internet at home, work it shall be...
For some of us, the resurrection is something to view with joy. Actually, for all of us. Death has no sting for those whose faith is strong in the Lord. We all die. But in Christ we are all made alive. This is both literal and figurative language, and applies not only to our time on this mortal sphere but extends into eternity.
Why then do we fear death and mourn the loss of those we love? For me, it is the loss of potential - the loss of someone I care deeply about and can learn so much from. I know for you death can almost be viewed with a sense anticipation - you then are freed from mortal cares and woes. But that does not make the loss any easier for those who remain.
I love you Jim. I wish I could make this better. I wish - well, I wish a lot of things. I know that I am being selfish in my desires, like President Kimball said. And probably I would frustrate the plan of our Father if I were to gain all the desires of my heart, because then you would never die and therefore never be resurrected to inherit the glory God has in His hands and prepared for you.
I know he will say to you "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." I know this because of the influence for good you have had on my life and the lives of my children. I know this because in spite of the terrible things that have happened to you in your life you have risen above them and persevered. And I know this because I know of the infinite mercies of our Father. He will welcome you home with loving arms and you will rejoice in that kingdom on high.
God willing, I will be able to see you again. God willing, you will live for many more years and we can laugh and love and enjoy each other for a long time... But He has a time appointed and my tears and pleadings cannot change or frustrate His plans. Regardless, please know that we are here loving you and praying for you and grandma and grandpa.
"I am going to use my remaining time for good purpose. Starting first thing, that means continuing rehab workouts on a regular basis. Whatever it is worth, I will continue to invest time and effort into regaining what has been lost or compromised by stroke."
Go for it, Jim, you stout-hearted soul.
Bill,
I can hardly respond, but I should say a little bit by way of reassurance, I think.
I am still alive, but not happy about the recurring problems that threaten to change that so abruptly. It is frustrating to continue this struggle. Some moments, I wish it was over, now, one way or the other. But I am confident that Heavenly Father knows what is best, and though I am stubborn, I am satisfied to leave it in his hands. I am glad to have had the times I have. Maybe there will be more to come. The picture looks pretty dim right now, but I cannot say what the future will bring.
I am planning to hang around a bit longer. All the better if it works out. If not, there will be many other new things ahead for us all to experience.
I have been waiting to see my brother Tom again for some time. Maybe we'll get a chance to meet up again, some day soon...
Hail and, may it not be soon, farewell.
-Adam Greenwood
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