Morning Misadventure

Note: My sister Cindy has expressed her approval of the high points of this story for the humorous editorial content but some of it is not suitable for younger or more sensitive folk, so use some good sense and discretion, PLEASE.

Last night I went to bed in the middle of a nightmare of my own creation, the details of which I cannot elaborate on further. But I passed out earlier on my dad's living room floor. I was in no condition to conduct a rational discussion, which is exactly what I later attempted -- and failed so abysmally, it put me into the deepest funk I have been in since I last wanted so much to end my life.

As I said, it was a miserable way to take to my bed, and I slept not at all. I felt sick and upset and faint all night, and about 4:00, I finally abandoned the pretense of trying to sleep and took to my shower. The hot water always gives some soothing relaxation. Not this time.

I continued to worry, and quickly built a scheme to drive to my sister's house on my ATV. It is only about 40 mile to Price as the crow flies, so I could make it easily. These obstacles:

1. Parents would never consent, too dangerous
2. Illegal to operate OHV on highway
3. Registration is not current
4. If I sneak, people will likely be searching
5. Deep snow and and icy across Skyline
6. Currently light snow showers

I decided I needed to do this, so I sneaked out the back door and cranked up the Polaris 800 and zoomed past the house, lights ablaze. Mistake #1. My dad was standing at the door looking as I blazed down the driveway. Not a very subtle getaway. Not even out the driveway, and I was already in trouble.

I was feeling really sick, but hung on and navigated up the highway toward Hilltop and Millburn. I figured they'd look toward U6 first because it is the direct route to Price, but there are better routes for an ATV.

On the road out of Snail Hollow, I saw that only a sprinkling of snow had fallen. There was not even enough to warrant snowplow operation today, which I thought of as in my favor.

I start south, on the side of the highway, but did not realize that there are deep culverts hidden in the snow alongside the road. I skirted a few by chance, but bumped into a very deep hole on about the third or forth. It was no challenge at all for the Polaris, but it turned me into the hillside, and I lost control at 40 mph.

I panicked.

I started to fall off, because I was cruising along unable to correct the steering or hold my body against the increasing grade, that was fast approaching roll-over. Okay. Release the throttle first, gently. Calm down. Your machine has saved you, as it has so many times before.'

Coasting to a near halt, at a near 40% slope, I tried to hold my body with right leg that is weak and trembling. Motorists are speeding past on 89, thinking "...what FUN that guy must be having, swoop up slopes on his 4 wheeler!" And I'm just wondering how to get down from her without wrecking my bike and breaking myself.

The next thing -- after calming -- was to put both hands together on the left side handlebar and PUSH while holding with trembling right leg, to keep myself from falling off the bike and tumbling down the hill. I imagined if I did, the 4-wheeler would run over me too, just for good measure.

Anyway, that worked! so I didn't find out.

I had made it as far as Hilltop without being caught, but I figured if my dad was looking my mom would call out the troops, so I'd better stick to back road, so I turned down toward Millburn. I was cruising pretty good when I realized I should take off the tire chains, the pavement was almost dry. So I pulled around the curve and parked off the pavement.

I swung off the ATV saddle and fell flat on my face. I lay trembling and tired for a few minutes just glad I made it that far without falling off.

After that I tried using the winch to pull me some slack in the chain, but the locking carabiner was jammed tight in the fairlead rollers, and I could not get it out either!  I got the starboard chains off in the mean time, and was using a crowbar to pry some slack in. Naturally I lost my grip and cut my hand with the crowbar, but I did finally get the port side chains off and everything stowed away.

Then I put on some speed. The Polaris is made to do about 60mph on level ground. I was crusing down the side of the wrong side of the road, because I have no peripheral view with the helmet on, cannot see with the wind blowing anyway, and this way I can see oncoming traffic, and I pull off into the borrow pit and stop. I got through Millburn in about 30 seconds. It was one of the fastest traverses on an ATV ever, I'm pretty sure. The only thing that slowed me, at the end, Cindy Mower had to stop for the school bus and I was coming up behind at about 50 mph, so I had to slow down. I pulled into the gas station to fill up. That turned out to be the end of the ride.

Fred and Audreys was not opened yet so I drove over to Walkers. I bought some jersey gloves for liners becase my hands were frozen, and a hot chocolate to help warm up. I was going to fill up with gas, and I tried to bak over to the pumps, but the h=ot chocolate tipped over and spilled just as I was rolling backwards, and I backed right into the diesel pump handle as I grabbed for the tipping cup. My luck started draining out as fast as diesel fuel, all over the ground.

I missed the chocolate, too.

As the ATV bumped up against the pump, the handle broke off at the swivel fitting. I had felt so confident up to that point, Then I saw that everything I was scheming was going to unravel, and I tried to dismount from the saddle of the bike. It was too close to the pump though, and I caught my foot and fell backwards out of control again, this time flat onto my butt onto the hard concrete pavement of the gas station. I fractured my coccyx again, I think. I just laid there sobbing, and right then, my neighbor Phil drove up. He immediately radioed on his shortwave handi-talkie a status up to the SAR net, that the SUBJECT was located, namely ME, and he did all right, just like we were taught.

The jig was up. They'd found me.

After I finished sobbing like a bawl baby, Phil and Ricky took charge of the ATV and Ron drove me home in dad's pickup.  The lady at Walkers said don't worry about it, they'll have their maintenance guy fix the diesel handle. I asked the Sheriff guy who came by Walkers to call off the SAR and call my folks and tell them I'm coming right home.

They won't let me have the Polaris back now. Guess I'll just walk if I should happen to go berserk and get the insane inclination to set out across the Skyline again.