One of the things I think about all the time.
I had a very bad time of it today. Ended up losing bowel control while we were at the store, with very unpleasant consequences. My dad was with me, and he was very patient and understanding, but I told him, if the rest of my life is like today, I don't want it. He did not offer an argument.
My parents are both at a stage in their life where most things are uncomfortable. I don't know how they stand it -- there is little better to look forward to. I have tried to avoid thinking about where the future is taking us, but there is no way of knowing for sure. Except we know it holds more pain and discomfort.
I myself have reached the point where every breath brings a measure of discomfort. It seems like this condition is lasting forever. I feel very impatient waiting for improvement. Whatever it is, it seems very slow in coming.
I think each day about the burden of life. It is a challenging thought. My little brother ended his life by his own hand, and it was the cause of measureless grief with all of us who loved and cared about him. I would not want to end things in that way.
In particular, it seems unfair to those who remain. At the very least, I am seeking a clean escape that will not leave a big mess behind for others to clean up. So far, short of throwing myself into a live volcano, or something similarly impractical or unavailable, I have not found an acceptable way out. I have to go on, since there is no good alternative.
I hope, too, when it comes time for me to meet with those who have gone before, that I can at least offer a good report of my life. That would be the most satisfying end of things for me. Short of that, I guess I will continue drawing breath as long as I am able. I hope all do the same.
