What is commonplace about establishing a routine when nothing is routine? I find myself struggling in another round of rehabilitation effort, which is discouraging. To keep starting over again at a point I have surpassed before makes it all seem somewhat futile. Imagine learning the alphabet again and again, only to forget and be forced to start training over again at some fundamental that you know very well was easily surpassed in previous performances.
But I can´t know that. If I had spent the time idly laying around, I have no idea what level of performance my mental or physical state would be, to say nothing of other considerations. Exertion is good for the soul, if no other benefits accrue. I suppose that must be as true in my case as it is for any other. I hold myself as unremarkable in every respect.
This week in PT sessions, I am working to maintain the half-mile in ten minute pace on the treadmill and 2 miles in ten minutes on the stationary bike. That is about the same level I could reach last March and September. Setbacks have pushed me back, but I am determined that keeping on is the only course for me. I will not quit. Ultimately I want to set the pace to cover 3 miles in 40 minutes on the treadmill, which is where I was last July and October. I´ll keep at it.
The norm for me seems to be to have another brain attack every six to twelve weeks. They vary in severity. Clearly, I will keep having them, unless something changes in the conditions that are causing them. And that is not likely. The real questions I am left with: Exactly when the next will occur, and how severe will it be? It seems only time -- and heaven -- can answer.
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To keep starting over again at a point I have surpassed before makes it all seem somewhat futile. Imagine learning the alphabet again and again, only to forget and be forced to start training over again at some fundamental that you know very well was easily surpassed in previous performances.Well, what else would you be doing if not trying to get somewhere?
Just so you know, this happens to people on various levels for various reasons. Illness or my daughter's circumstances sometimes really throw our household out of whack. Hard-earned progress that we've made prior to the illness (which always poses a terrible threat) or prior to one of my daughter's difficult spells melts away in hot winds of need. Often, we barely make it, then come out of whatever tornado has hit us and appraise the damages. We have started over many, many times, or else pulled up out of a nosedive just before crashing into the sea.
It's frustrating, hard work, trying to regain ground, but what else is there to do when these things happen? And even when it seems like we're covering the same ground, often we learn something new we didn't learn the last time around. That counts for something (I hope!).
Anyway, Jim, seeing you work through these things helps me feel like I'm not so isolated in my own often very isolating circumstances. Through these difficulties we both tackle day to day, I feel we share a kinship. I deeply appreciate your honesty and openness in laying out the hardness of the road. It's something I recognize and respond to on many levels.
Patricia,
I am grateful for those who share insights, and yours are always a such personal glimpses. How little I can share in how much it costs you personally, but I do have a sense of the burden you volunteer yourself for. It is a huge ponderous weight.
In my PT training, having a future goal in mind helps me maintain focus. I have a rational progressive plan for reaching the goal. So with my life. The setbacks are temporary inconveniences that will pass. When the struggle is over, what is the point to it all? It must be in the effort, in the trial. I certainly am not up to proving my mettle by a show of physical strength or endurance.
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