Disappointment: How Well We Know the Feeling

Suffering from frustrated expectations can be much more bruising to the soul than physical pain is to the body.  This is a hard lesson, but most of us have more than ample opportunity to learn it first hand.

Not to obsess about my own life, but as one who has personally experienced perhaps the maximum possible pain at moments in my life, I can witness that I would much more willingly subject myself to the physical dimension of suffering than the mental and spiritual anguish that wrack my soul at other times.

One of the most vivid recollections from growing up is a vignette of my father standing next to my bed, saying with unfeigned anguish, "Oh, Jim - I'm so disappointed in you!"  I don't even recall what I did to let my Dad down, but I can never forget how miserable it made me feel.

I know how much it hurt my Dad, because I had other opportunities to watch him while he suffered from great physical pain resulting from accidents.  And I saw that the suffering from disappointed expectations was sometimes much worse.

Throughout my adult life one of my highest ambitions has always been striving to make my Dad feel proud of me.  For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to do what is right.  Not sure I even know what that is any more.

I know that I continue to disappoint my Dad, but I think he understands, now, when I am doing my best.

One of the coping mechanisms I have learned about for dealing with the hopeless problems we face and our so-oft disappointed expectations derives from Beck's Congnitive Theory of Depression.  Beck's theory posits that we create much of our internal mental state, that leads us into depression.  It has to do with errors in cognition, flawed thinking whereby we trap ourselves into hopelessness.  Through this understanding, and more objective self-analysis, we can learn to recognize cognitive errors. 

Up Cheering

Cobabe Kids 1955

 Time to dry your tears,

No one remembers your pain.

Laughing is better.

Things left undone...

This photo is from our back yard in Alabama, 1991.

I suppose there will always be an empty spot in my heart, one that was originally intended to receive things my family was supposed to fill.  I will never know what might have been.

It is difficult to imagine anything more painful to endure.

I have been through all kinds of pain in recent years.  A heart attack is nothing compared to the years of heartache and regret.  The most painful physical suffering seems little enough to compare.  Yet I cannot spare myself this feeling.  Apparently it is necessary to remind me that there are things left yet undone.

I only hope I am worthy enough to do the job, in the time that is left me.

Migraine Weirdness IV

I want to kiss Dr Digre at the University of Utah Moran Eye Center. Ruth and Dr. Warner get kisses too, for helping me get in to see Dr. Digre. Without them, I'd just be another name on the list, probably dead. They helped salvage a dying man. Why, I'll never understand, but I'll alwas love them, all three.

After suffering with migraine pain more or less continually since July last year, I am now very nearly headache-free.

This time, I am hopeful that it is a long term solution.

Recall, I experimented before with the Zonisamide drug, Zonegran, which was developed for epilepsy and seizure suffers, but has seen more general application, as I believe, with migraneurs as a group. Migraine therapy tends to be rather experimental in nature. Just try something -- anything. Migraine sufferers will try just about anything to get relief.

Anyway, after titrating Zonegran to the 100 mg level, the migraine seemed gone, but I quit taking it for a time as I was admitted to the U hospital for testing, and the headaches came back with a vengance. Although I resumed the Zonegran, and started a number of other psychotropics after that, I have never been entirely headache free since. The "shark attacks" have steadily diminished, however, and the background migraine is barely noticeable now.

All in all, great progress is being made. I am able to function as well as before in many ways, although I do have some serious problems and challenges that remain. I keep very optimistic about the future, in ways I never felt so strongly.

I have honestly looked forward to death as a relief from the pain of this world. Now, it is looking better every day. Maybe I'll stick around for awhile after all. (big flashy smile)

Shark Attacks

Just a quick note for my friends.

There are still some sharks in the water, I fear. I do not know or care if these attacks are caused by something I am doing to myself purposefully or not. I can only say it can be so painful in intensity that I cannot bear it, and I scream from the agony. Usually attacks of this intensity are very short, or they seem so to me. In any case, I pass out very quickly after the pain really winds up, so I'm not sure what happens after the screaming phase. Ruth's characterization seem fairly consistent.

I have been with my dad most of the time today. He reports only two shark attacks, one that was moderate and one pretty severe. I hope with every wish that they go away forever.

I have several broken teeth broken along the right lower molars now. They have sharp edges that cut my tongue and the side of my mouth when I am not careful. I am seeing a dentist this week, but am reluctant to get any repairs before I am sure the sharks will not return. Maybe will just ask for some sort of protective mouth gear.

Life is Pain (Revisited)

I have been giving this some thought, the last day or two. For previous thoughts on this subject, see here and here.
I think there are different kinds of pain and suffering we can experience. Some of it can be useful and instructive, some is not.

There is no good reason for me or anyone else to suffer from prolonged physical pain. If you are hurting, please, get some relief. Take some drugs to control the pain, find out why it hurts, and correct the physical problems that are causing it. There is no reason for anyone to endure physical pain and discomfort because of some problem that can be healed. If it is a chronic condition, there are ways of dealing with that too.

I have heard that doctors are generally too reluctant to prescribe pain-killers, even when the cause of the problem has been determined and treated. This is wrong-headed and counter-productive. People that have pain should get drugs that relieve their pain. They don't need to suffer in silence to prove how strong they are, or for any other reason.

These days, I have chronic pain to remind me that life is precarious and fragile. I forgot that for a while, and was hurt as a result. I already learned my lesson -- there is no need for any further reminder. So, when I hurt, I take tylenol or ibuprofin, or something to make the pain go away. I have already been sufficiently instructed, and now this superfluous hurting just interferes with normal function. I don't need any more of this particular pain.

Of course, there are other kinds of pain and suffering. Perhaps they are useful, but sometimes I know it is as destructive and counter-productive as other kinds of pain that we can block with analgesics. Perhaps this kind of suffering can be good for the soul, but I think there are practical limits that should not be exceeded. Mental and spiritual suffering can be more painful than the thorn in my side that I deal with all the time right now. Those hurts need salve just as badly. A different prescription is needed.

Life is painful

I have turned into a drug junkie. I watch the clock until the time comes to take that next pill. Drugs are beautiful. They make my intolerable life bearable.

I worry a little about becoming dependant on Tylenol or Ibuprofen, but for right now, it means I don't have to bear an unbearable burden of hurt.

Thanks for the drugs.

Life is Pain

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. (Westley, "The Princess Bride")

Is there a reason to endure more pain?

I don't know. I suppose there might be. Why not wait and see for yourself? No one can say what the future holds. Maybe good things, maybe bad. Maybe more of the same.

That's all I have to sell. Lots of maybe's. That better be good enough.